My Owse

I liv in a very old owse. It wos built hundreds of years ago an ownd by a monk. It got stacks o rooms an they all big an high an we av pictures of the stars at the top of the stairs it that high.

In ower owse we ave owse rules. They r the law that keeps ower owse safe an runnin well. I am a bit suspiciulated abowt the rules cos i fink they all affect me an not nobody els exept the staff. Yes. The staff ave to follow the rules as well. We ave lots of staff cos we got a big owse an if we didnt ave staff then Mam wud be cleenin all day long an Dad wud ave to mayk tea.

We av a gardener who is well niyc an cool an ee lets me do well scary fings liyk lite the bonfir an start the chipper an chop wood for the fire. He smokes rollys. They r liyk white twigs an last abowt as long as a sparkler on bonfire niyt but not look alf as gud. Ee keeps them in a tin wich as a well smart paintin on an ee ses ee bort it off a gypsy. He coffs a lot an wen ee fink I not listenin ee swears as well. Oh yeh an ee always rubbin is bits. Oh yeh an ee as a son who comes wiv im now an then an ee smokes as well but ee older then me i fink an ee well ruff. I sed ello to im once jus to be frendly liyk an ee sed f off! which i thort wos well rude especillee as i liv ere an in charg. SO i not speek to im eva agen. Eee looks at me funny an i fink ee reellee scared that i know ee is gay.

An we ave a cleaner who is quite stupid reellee but I not sposed to say that abowt peeple exept that she is. But she is qwit gud at gettin nasty stains owt of carpets wich i think cleeners shud be gud at. If u r not gud at gettin stains owt of carpets then my room wud look awful very qwikly then Mam wud complain that the cleener not doin er job, then Dad wud sack her an maybe com an look at my carpet an then i think i wud get a hidin. So it is important for cleeners to know how to get nasty stains owt of carpets.

We av orses on ower stables but ther no way i gonna say owt abowt them exept that they r well scary. We av a trainer who is well well bossy an rude to me an I complaind to Mam an she jus sed to keep owt er way. AN then ther this kid who is jus calld the stable boy an ee neva tork to me wich is a shaym cos i finkee wud mayk a niyc playmate if ee eva stood still for long enuff to play an I fink ee looks niyc in is wellies.

We av a owse matron who showts at the cleener an the cook an the scullaree mayd. Thats wot Mam calls her to me quietlee but she call her Eve i fink. AN they all work in the kitchen but neva seem to do owt. The cook is well niyc cos she always givin me cakes to test an flapjack but the Eve jus giv me evils all the tiym an i think she jealus.

AN we av a driver to driv all of ower cars. Mam an Dad can driv but if u well rich u miyt as well av a driver to save ur arms. An ower Pilot is well cleva cos ee can fly piston engind fix wing an turbo prop an jet an ower chopper. But wen we went to DisneyWorld ee stayd at ome an we ad a yankeedoodlepilot. Dad fly the planes lots an a bit of the chopper an I fly the planes lowds. I tayke off an navigate an do circuits. I landed ower Beechcraft at Luton Airport in fog an we add to av a talkdown by the airport an I put us rite on the numbers! That well cool an scary I can tell u.

I fink that all the staff.

My room is big an I got a big bed so i can ave frends to stay. AT Christmus we ad 8 kids in my bed but they not sleep in ther, they jus put dirt an sweat an bogeys on me duvet. We jus watchd a film on my new wide screen tv wich is neerlee as wide as me bed. I fink me Mam an dad r tryin to keep me owt the way in me room so they can hog the TV down stairs an snog wen I not ther.

So u know wen u com an stay these r the owse rules. If u brake the rules then u get a hidin of Dad if u a kid an i not sur wot u get if u an adult but i bet it downt urt as much.:
No mucky boots or shooes in the owse unless u runnin to the loo.
No goin in Dads Study for any reeson unless it to get Dad an then u ave to knock an wait until ee ses come in. If ee not say come in then dont. This is an especillee hard rule an u get double hidin if u brake it.
No playin on the Billiard Table unles u wiv Dad.
No runnin inside unless ther a fire. Then u run an showt fire.
No bein rude to nobody.
No swearin. That double hidin as well.
No firin anything insid liyk guns or arrows.
No throwin anbyfin insyd liyk balls or animals.
No goin in the kitchen unless Mam is in ther or u r too dirty to go in the front door then u ave to tayk off ur clowfs in the back door an run to the shower. wivowt runnin.
No bad manners at the table an it double hidin if ther r gests. Specillee if u trump. an then laff.
Do evryfing the staff tell u enless Dad not ther then ignor them.
Do not leev ur room a mess. I loookd in som rooms this Christymous an I bet Dad wud be handin owt lowds of hidins if ee was not so drunk.
Do not invite nobody to the owse unless Dad knows them especulee if u met them on the internet an they say they r 12 an they afta ur butt. I got a gud idin for that one wich I fort wos unfair cos ther not a rule abowt it until I don it!
Do not eva eva eva eva lie. Cos Dad knows straight away an ur butt is ded if u lie.
Do not go in Dads study. I know i sed that alredy but Dad ses it is two rules so that ee can wallop me twice as much if ee catches me.
No answerin bak wen gettin a hidin or u get a wors one.
One hiding=6 smacks on yer bum wiv Dads and. (Unless u reellee reellee been well bad an then u get is belt. But u got to be well bad for that.)
Do not be well bad!

That it reelee. So mayk sur u be careful!

Welcome to my owse.