Ower Poetry an Songs

Ok, so I deciyded I riyt som of me own poetree an yoo can add yor stuff ere as well. Cos that wot this post is for.

1] If it a song then tell evreebodee wat moosic it to, an put a link to it.

2] Then say abowt yor poem and say wot it abowt, an yor inspirayshun.

The Tewn
I wos listenin to a well niyc song, an it like from Soweto in South Africa, but it not. It by a band oo normalee do lowds of cool ambient moosik, but this won diffrent. It calld Election Day an it by The Normalities. An yoo can listen to it free or buy the howl album for 99p! It at www.junodownload.com/labels/Subatomic/releases
An I reellee liyked the well gud simpl melodee an rithum. An I been hummin it for ayges now, an finkin of words to it. It be best if yoo listen to the moosic first then yoo av the tewn in yor ed.

The Song
So I rowt this for skool (That why it in English an not Tiglish). It well eesee to wriyt short liyns liyk this an get fings to riym.

An I well cheesd off wiv wot us kids av to put up wiv from the ‘grownups’ an bullees, an wot they doin to ower world. So it abowt that it up to us to chayng it cos the grownups forgot abowt wot they dreemd wen they kids, an jus carrid on rekin ower world for us. An it jus follows me day at skool, an wot I finkin an learnin, an wot I gonna do wiv all me new nowlij.


Change a Day

The sun shines through
My window pane
It wakes me up
To start again

We toiling hard
To fill our brain
The games we play
The bullys pain

We stand in line
We join the class
We wait a while
Our turn to pass

We take it in
What they say
Our minds are filled
For another day

We work our brains
To find out why
that some live well
And some must die

We learn the lesson
Of days gone past
We learn them quick
We learn them fast

We break the day
With play and fun
Our life on Earth
Has just begun

We join the games
The playing field
The acting out
But we must yield

To others’ might
And grownup voice
When we grow up
We have the choice

To follow on
Like every one
Did in the past
How long to last?

Until we see
By following
That we’re as bad
As grownups’ sin

We must brake free
And change for good
And squash the bad
‘Cos we know we should

‘Cos if we follow
Like loads of sheep
Then gronwups’ world
Is ours to keep

Unless we use
The lessons told
And make a world
For when we old

So as I lie
And watch the sun
I know that my
Day has begun

And I have the choice
Like every day
To change the world
For a better way

Tiger

Wilbur's Poetry

My bff Wilbur wos well cleva at lowds of fings. He not veree gud at torkin wiv anybodee, but that cos ee autistic. An that ment ee not liyk torkin or avin frends much. But cos ee neva torkd ment that ee spend a lot mor tiym finkin insted of blabbin. So ee a lot cleverer at ovva fings.

Won fing ee wos bludee gud at wos poetry. Cos ee won lowds of competitions at skool an in the cownty. So I gonna put som ere for u an if u liyk them then tell me, then I publish som mor.

Now yoo miyt fink thees poems ar a bit gud for a 11 year old kid. But ee rowt them wen ee jus 7! An that well gud cos they betta then miyn now an I 13!


Grandma

Her skin shiny but gentle
her heart old but warm
her smile wrinkley but happy
her eyes yellow but kind
her walk wobbly but experianced
her love as young as mine


Deserve

Ow
that hurts!
More than ever!
Ow
and another
but i deserve it
my skin is tender
and singing
but i deserve it
in dont cry till its stopped
"and dont do it again"


Winter

Winter ices
ices my heart
heartens my soul
soulless breath fills the air
air frezes the glass
glassy sides on the trees
trees still and hard
harder to breath
breath in the winter
winter ices


I see him lying there

i see him lying there
still
quiet
noise and turmoil about him
he was running
chasing
flashing
panting
i see him lying there
still
quiet
they werent watching
they stare now
there breath caught
like his
in the wind
i see him lying there
still
quiet
he is calm
relaxed
his friends are wild
screaming
hearts pumping
his still
i see him lying there
still
quiet
goodbye
my friend


Now I downt know abowt u but ther no way I knew a word liyk turmoil wen I 7!

So plees riyt a comment an I put mor up if u interestesticular.

Frends, Bullees, Mad Siyentists, an the Internet

I am riytin this cos I a bit fed up wiv reel bullies, an cos I well liyk all my noo frends.

Wen I first caym to liv at my skool I arriyvd befor the ova kids cos I new. So I shown be bedroom no4, an I ad 4 beds to choos from. So I chows the won nex to the window. Now me first frend wos Mark. I can say is naym cos I fort ee a well niyc frend an ee neva stayd at a bordin skool befor eva. An I ad. An layta yoo see why ee not ere aneemoor.

So we shown arownd the skool wiv all the ova new kids an we ad a niyc tiym until the ova boys arriyvd. The two ova boys oo in room 4 wiv us wos Geoffrey oo the bully and Charles the fitness boy. As soon as Geoffrey the bullee caym in to the room ee well nastee to Mark an told im to moov is bed cos ee was sleepin in HIS bed. Ee not miyc or owt, or say “Excuse me, but there seems to be a mistayk.” Or any shit liyk that! No! He jus ses Mark betta moov his shit by the tiym Geoffrey come back or ther be trubl. An I fort ~ Hey! Robocop or wot?

So I not liyk Geoffrey riyt from the start an Mark not reellee liyk im eeva.

But Charles was well niyc. Ee was well into fitness stuff an gows runnin evree mornin befor I evn wayk up an ee well musculated an always got energee. But altho ee not actulee be a bully, ee sort of lets Geoffrey be won, an dusnt do too much to stop it. Wich I fink is neerlee as bad.

Cos wen I stand up for Mark and say that Geoffrey the bullee bein nastee, an it not fair, ee grabbd me privats an wos well nastee to me. An Charles the harfabullee, afta a bit, sed that Geoffrey shud tayk it eesee. And Geoffrey did. But Charles the harfabullee not reellee stop im.

An Geoffrey the bullee was well nastee to me an Mark for ayges. So I becaym well gud frends wiv Mark.

Wot I not know wos Mark wos liyk a dubl agent! An reellee e was cleverer then ee mayd owt an mayd me, an Geoffrey an som ova kid in skool, do som well nastee stuff, jus by pretendin ee my bestest frend evva; Wilbur.

So wiyl I bein well niyc to Mark an torkin to im, an elpin im wiv puter work, ee trikin me an gettin lowds of informayshun abowt the ova boys from me laptop. An Mark well not liyk the fact that me an the ova boys wer well appee sein eech ova nayked an shit, an we not fink ther nowt rong wiv that. But Mark fort it well dodjee. So ee manipulaytatoried us all to urt eech ova for him, by pretendin ee Wilbur’s ghostie on the internet. Wich was well cleva, but well, well nastee. An Templeton fink I wud av been killd evn, if somat not don abowt it all.

So wen it all got a bit well too nastee, me frend Templeton an Wilburs Dad sayvd my liyf, Mark got tayken away to I downt know wher, an me, an Geoffrey, an this ova kid got told we ad to be well gud or we get chukd owt of skoolage.

So now I got to still liv wiv a bullee, an a half bullee, but at leest the reel big bulleepretendintobemyfrend kid gon. An now I got a new boy in me room 4 called Henry.

Now Henry is definitytitywityfoolius a niys kid. An ee not no bully in disgiyz. But that meen that Geoffrey the bully tayk well advantaj of im an get im to do lowds of shit for im. But I jus try an elp im lowds an be niys all the tiym, an get im to do jus a few fings wiv us. Espeshullee cos is Mummy jus diyd in a car accidentitudination. So I well sorree for im.

An then I startd wiv me Shelfari accownt an ther lowds of well nicitrepidulants ther oo not bully me at all eva. Exep won oo sed that if I calld im a sertun niknaym agen ee smash me fayc in. But that ok, cos I shud av askd. But they all bein well niys. An I know they not jus pretendin [I know wot pretending means but if it ‘pre’ then it must be befor ‘tending’! So wot dus ‘Tending’ mean?] cos all me noo frends not got eneefing to gayn by jus pretendin they me frend.

Now I always bein told that u not be abl to trust nobodee on the internetalude. Cos yoo neva know wot they r. An yoo miyt fink they a well niys kid, who yor gud frend, an they end up bein a peapod oo wants to ave yor pants off u, an I know cos that append to me! But I finkin ~ Hang on a minit! Evreebodee sayin ow dangerousanation it is on the Intergalacticnettybetty but apart from my won mistayk [an that onlee cos I not follow the rools] ther not been nobodee oo be aneefin but a gud frend to me.

Now me actewel frends in reel liyf oo I actulee liv wiv, an I can see them an tuch them, they turn owt to be bullees and alf bullees an psychomainiacs trying to kill u. An that just the 3 that livd wiv me! An at the moment Geoffrey the bullee is being reellee reellee beestlee, an forcin me to do fings, an I rather haytin im a lot.

An all me frends I got now miyt be mad scientists or murderers or 95 year old peapods, but they jus me frends. An as long as I keep to the rools, then they always be me freends. [By the way, I not reellee fink they ar anyfin nastee, I jus maykin a point. Ok?]

So I say that u jus be niys to evreebodee an not nastee to non, an u follow all the rools the grownups mayk abowt bein sayf an I rekon yoor Internetination of frends ere r probablee the best u gonna get.

Friday 13th vs Frends who nibbl books

Friday the 13th is well unluckitudinal. Spesheellee if ur 13 years old on it! An evryfing went wrong for me for a howl week! It well grim! An jus wen I get bak to the sayftee of me bordin school I meet me book-nibblers on Shelfari, an now they tayken the curs off me.

So I tell u the story of me 1313 olidays.


I jus add the most weirdest birfday I eva ad in me whole lifage. Wich is now exaclee 13 years long. My Dad pickd me up from me bordin scool in York an we flyin ome. An I finkin ~ Grayt! I get to relax an tork wiv me bestest frend aliyv oo livs in USAshire.

An as I relaxin liyk, I member it me 13th birthday! Cos I did actullee forget! An it Friday the 13th! An I then finkin I flyin at 240 knots in a tin can that keeping 8,000 feet up in the air by lowds an lowds an lowds of technicalations and whirly bits, an there well squillions of fings redy to break, an us all die in a second. So I not too relaxd no mor. An me Dad then ses ~ we not goin ome cos ee got a surpriys for me. Well now I finkin ~ Grayt! Now if this chopper holds togeva long enuff to land me sayf, then I not evn gonna ave a relaxin tym then cos me Dad got a surpriys for me.

U know wen ur dad as a surpriys for u it not gonna be owt that u can possibly fink of as bein a supriys! It gonna be pretty bad!

Well we start landin an all I can see is miyls an miyls of trees an a big plastic bublble. An I finkin Friday the 13th is not a day to av ur 13th birfday in a bubble in a wood! But then Dad ses we campin. So I finkin that mor liyk it! Fings r getting betta.

But dads r well gud at sayin somfin that not qwiyt troo, an then givin U a good hidin if U lie! Then I realiys that it not no campin u an I fink of! It not no sleepin unda no starry skies an camp fiyrs an owls an shit! No! It in a big wooden hut wiv elctric, an beds, an sauna, an chakoozee, an shit! So I finkin ~ Grayt!

But me new frens r ther from Plymouth so I well appee anyways. Then I put me new birfday music from Templeton on, an it Pinky Floyd, wich is almost the real name of Wilbur. An then fings start goin all 1313 agen! Me Dad starts singin at the top of is voice! Now Dads neva sing gud do they? Miyn neva sing befor in my liyf! An ee sayvd it up for me 13th birfday!

Well it got a bit betta cos I got to swim, an sauna, an showa, wiv me frend,s an we went sailin, an climbin the wall of death, an cyclin. Oh yeh! Now Dads wer neva eva ment to riyd biyks once they Dads. No ways! Byks r for kids NOT grown up Dads. Speshellee if they well old liyk miyn is! He lookd so funnee it was embarassin. Lukee for me I well gud on a biyk, so me an me frends left im behind to embarrass me Mam.

Oh! Yeh! I wantd to speek to me bestest frend on the interentitudinal an ther no bludee signal cos we in a wood! So I well ratty. At leest I finkin ~ We get ome on Wedlesday an I enjoy a niyc relax at ome torkin wiv my bestest frend. Who is called Templeton by the way.

Then Dad got anova bloomin surpriys for me! I finkin ~ I ope I neva av a nova 13th birfday on Friday the 13th! So now we not goin ome to relax an tork wiv bestest frens called Templeton. No, we goin somewher reellee shitty! An then the chopper breaks down! Yeah! I finkin ~ Grayt! So it jus mak it ther on Friday the 13th, so ther no way I getting in it evn if they fix it.

One day layta we in the hottest playc on the howl erf, an I told by me Dad that ee sellin ower owm! An we not liv ther no mor! Yeh! Niys surpriys Dad! Appee Birfday! So we in Doobye in Africa in the Uniytd Arab Emeralds, were they well strict on wot u wer an who u tork to an wot u say, an the Poleec allowd to beet naughtee kids wiv sticks. An I finkin ~ Grayt! Fanks Dad! All I wantd for me birfday oliday was to sit in front of me big open fiyr in me lownj, jus dressd in me undies, toastin me bits in the heat, an drinkin Auntys ome mayd Lemonayd in a glass full of iyc, an tork to me bestest frend Templeton on the internet. An wot does Dad do? Ee gows an sells me ows! I gonna look stupid sittin in the middl of a bludee sand dewn in me undies drinkin driyd wata from a camels hoof an not bein abl to get on the internet wiv me appletop jus befor it melts in the sun, then getting cort by the poliyc for wearin undies an bein beeten in the cells, an av me and choppd off, an probablee a foot. That not my idea of me birfday oliday!

So jus for gud mesher, I go an get all angree wiv me Dad cos ee not fink obowt me an me bestest mayt Templeton, an ther no internet in the desert, an that I always getting in trubl for bein rood, so I well gonna get arrested an beeten by the Poliyc, an I love me mansion in England, even if it dus av 7 orses in it. An I got nowher to riyd me quad cos Dads new ows is in som prison fing calld Doorah Bay. Exept wen u see it ritten in Arabic it jus a lowd of squggles that not meen owt! An ther electrifiyd fenc all arownd!

So I finkin ~ I been getting away wiv bein well naughty for exaclee 7 years. So now I gotta be well carful now cos I in Doobye prison! But I well too layt for that cos I alredee been well rood to Dad for bringin me ere an ruinin me birfday. So afta me gud idin, (actulee it was jus befor my gud idin!) I realiys i gotta be niyc an poliyt an gud.


So wen I got bak to skool wer evreebodee is niyc an frendlee an speeks englishitudes, an wears clowvs an not pyjamas, an u neva eva get beeten no matta ow naughty u is, or av quiyt important parts of ur bodee severed off, an u can breev wivowt ur hairs in ur nows meltin, I fink I feelin a bit betta. Evn if me room bully is bein speshlee nastee!

An wen I woked up ere this mornin I finkin ~ It all jus a mare of Brobdignagian proportions. But it not. Me 13th birthday oliday was reel!

So I goes on me Blog fing. An ther messages for me from me Shelfari acownt. An ther ar lowds of peepl wantin to be my frend. An ther lowds of messages askin me abowt me, an me school, an wot books I red. An all but one of them is girlies! They not av no girlies in Doobye! I not bein rood or nowt, it jus niyc to av girlies torkin to u an askin niyc qwestions wivowt wantin to powk u wiv a pin, or giggl, or be rood.

An eva sinc I met them an torkd wiv my new frens at Shelfari, I feel well appee. Cos they liftd me 1313 curs off me.

So I fink me new book-nibblin frens deserv a cheer for showin the 1313 curs that reedin gud books is betta then a reel crappy birfday oliday, any day!

Fanks.

Tiger

My Bestest Frend

My bestest frend I eva ad is Wilbur. I fink I love im mor than anyfing I eva lovd befor. E was jus so perfect an always tellin me off for swearin or trumpin or doin somat wrong cos ee a big goody two shoos! But that why I lov im. Cos ee so gud. An even wen I did bad shit ee neva be angree wiv me an ee always forgiv me strayt away. Even wen I well orrible to him. I not be well orrible on purpose, jus wen I in a moodalage.

We playd a lot at school an we cliymb trees lowds. An ee say somfing that I not undastand an then ee explayn it an tayk ages so I know wot ee sayin an then I realiys that wot ee sed was well cleva. But ee always explayn it for me. He wood look at somfing for ayges an then ee say somfing well cleva abowt it an then jus walk off.

I fink ee torkd wiv is ghosties that followd im arownd evrywher. Ee always sayin shit that they told im. Ee jus stare into spayc an then say somfing abowt me an I fink ~ Ow did ee know that? An I realiys that ee been told by one of is ghosties or ee jus stare at u an then tell u wot all of ur problems wer. It well weird at first, then I jus got usd to it, an ee neva did any bad shit wiv all is thorts, he onlee eva elped peepl.

We did lots of sexy stuff togeva an ee be well interestd in my bodee an I was wiv is. It cool if u av a frend who u can jus stare at an they not mind. Cos ee jus stare at me too. I fink kids shud look at eech ova mor an ask fings an play wiv eech ova. Cos if u do that then u lern. An if u get niyc feelins then u lern wot mayk bowf of u appee. Grown ups r scared to play wiv eech ova cos they grown up. An I fink a lot of kids get liyk that cos the adults mayk them think it wrong. How can it be wrong if u just interestd in somebodys body? If u not doin owt that they don’t mind then it shud be ok.

I ad a lovlee summa torkina n playin wiv Wilbur. I wantd to spend all my tiym wiv im cos ee liyk a little brova, an ee a bit liyk a boyfriend as well. Not gay an stuff, jus cos we lov eech ova so much. I fink we all be much betta peepl if we lovd eech ova mor. An u onlee get to lov peepl if u know them. An that incloods ur bodees.

We always sleep togeva an that well niyc. It not no gay stuff liyk. It jus lovlee to be abl to cuddl sombodee. Evreebodee liyks babbies an they cuddle them an Wilbur jus a liyk a big babby. I always feel warm an appee wen I cudllin sombodee. But not jus a cuddl liyk a hug, but u gotta feel wiv ur miynd an ur soul an ur spirit. Cos to be reel frends u ave to cuddl eech ovas spirits as well. If u do that then u undastand eech ova betta an u feel so much betta. An then u reellee lov eech ova insiyd an owtsiyd ur bodee.

I got me birfday in 3 days an I gonna be a teenaga. I wos well exitd abowt it an I finkin I gonna av fun. But then I reliys that Wilbur as is birfday 6 days afta me, an ee ded. Ee diyd last summa cos is heart forgot to keep beetin cos it ad a battery rechargin problem an it went flat. That not the teknical descripshun. It jus ow I fink of it. So ee jus neva woked up an jus diyd insted. I was well pissd off cos ee neva do owt rong eva I know. An ee onlee eva elpd peepl. He not beleev in God an I fink ee bloodee riyt cos ther no way ther can be a God thing if ee mayk reellee niyc kids liyk Wilbur die for no reeson an naughty kids liyk me carree on doin bad shit. So if God so gud, why ee do that then?

So now I finkin that ee not gonna av a veree niyc birfday cos ee ded. I know ee flys arownd an visits me an Wilburs Dad an Templeton an ova peepl, but u carnt blow no candles owt on ur cayk if u a ghostie! An u carnt get the bumps if u a ghostie. An nobodee can giv u a well niyc birthday kiss an a hug if u a ghostie. So I recon ee not gonna ave a veree gud birfday.

An I miss im shit lowds! I know I av Templeton an ee me well bestest frend that still av a bodee, but Ee liv 3426 miles away, an that a bit of a long way for a hug. I lov im lowds an lowds but ee not my littl pink Wilbur wiv is littl pink bod an is littl pink voice. An Templeton carnt wash me in the showa liyk Wilbur cud. So ee got a well disadvantag. So I not got nobodee I can cuddl liyk Wilbur. An that mayks me well sad.

I onlee know Wilbur a year an ee me bestest frend eva. So if ee still aliyv I fink wot we be liyk now an all the shit we wud av don an wot gud frends we be now.

So I gonna leev a candl burnin on me cake on me birfday for Wilbur. An I gonna wish that ee appee for is birfday an that ee can av my bodee anee tiym ee wants an walk arownd on erth agen. As long as ee brings it bak in gud condition an lets me bak in eventulee.

I love u, Wilbur. Appee Birfday!

Tiglish vs English

Ok! I jus ad a well big lectur from me English teecha abowt ow I riyt an ow I shud riyt. Well I gonna tell u now my Tiglish is much betta then English cos it got no iregula shit an evrything is sed liyk it ritten. An that gotta be betta then English wich is mayd up of lots of different languages anyhow.

So ere is my cays for Tiglish:

I startd riytin liyk this for fun wen I on the internet cos evrybodee writin slang an texty words an shit cos they qwicka to text on ur mobiyl. Then I chayngd words cos English has silleee spellins an it not consistentalitudinal. So I chayngd all the words I cud fink of into betta spellins. Cos if u av a word liyk ‘bone’ u af to pronowns it ‘bown’ so I say why not riyt it liyk that in the first playc? But the word ‘gone’ is the saym spellin but u pronowns it ‘gon’ so why not jus riyt that?

Ther r lowds of letters in English that not av to be ther so I jus get rid of them if they not doin any gud. An that’s anova one! ‘Good’ is pronowncd ‘gud’ an ‘wood’ is ‘wud’ so wat the hell is ‘spoon’? So I fink ‘oo’ is as u say it an ‘u’ is as u say it so jus bludee riyt it! Its eesee.

I not perfectd me Tiglish yet cos I keep nowtisin finngs liyk ‘eesee’. It shud be ‘eezee’ cos it a z sownd an not a s sownd. An I shud reellee spell perfektd liyk this cos ther enuff letters in the English alphabet wivowt avin to repeat som of them an mix som of them up. C can be sownd lik ‘k’ or ‘s’. So lets jus not use it at all an then we sayv on a letter in the alphabet.

Then u can get rid of the letta ‘x’ cos it jus ‘k’ an ‘s’ toogeva liyk ‘ks’. So that’s anova one gon!

So if we all spoke in Tiglish insted of English then it well eezier for kids to lern an u not mayk spellin mistayks cus u jus riyt it as u say it! eezee!

The pathetic case for English:

Okay! I gonna show u ow stupid English is for ritin down. If I wrote:

“Ghoti”

Then you can pronouns this as “Fish” if u follow the silly English rules. If u don’t beleev me I show u.

In the word “enough” the gh at the end is pronownsd “f”
If u hav mor than 1 women then the “o” is pronownsd “i”
If you tayk the “ti” in “station” then it pronownsd “sh”

So u put them togeva an “ghoti” pronownsd “fish”!

So is it enee wonda that ower langwij (that a new Tiglish word for me) is so dam ard to lern cos it full o stupid bits that downt mayk sens!

So the jury as gon owt to discuss this very simpl cays of “Well it has dun us ok for so long, why chayng it now?” Verses “Why keep somfing that downt work?”

This a blog so u desiyd!

I vote for Tiglish (Cos I be stupid if I inventd it then didn’t beleev in it!)

Tiglish 1 English 0

Book Review - The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas

I jus finsihd reedin the bestest book I eva red. An it mayd me cry.

I liykd this book lowds an me Mam bort it for me for Christalmousage. I bin reedin it for a wiyl cos I not get to reed often cos I too busy bein a kid an workin well ard at school, liyk we forcd to. But I jus finishd it wen I sposd to be sleepin. An now instead of usin me slaptop to reed from unda the blankets I ritin this on it. An me roomy mayts r snorin cos they not got no gud book to reed unda their blankets.

I well sad now. An I not gonna spoil it by sayin why.

So I gonna riyt my first eva book review.


The Boy in The Striped Pyjamas ~ Book Review

I fink this book be gud to reed by a kid or a grownup. An wen u reed it it well eesee to undastand an it mayks gud images for u to follow.

It abowt a german kid in World War 2 oo as to moov from is niyc ows in Berlin an go an stay at a orible playc in the woods called Out-With. Ee is 8 years old an is Dad is the Commandant. Ee well cheesd off that ee left is bestest frends eva in Berlin an ther nobody to play wiv.

Then one day ee goes explorin an sees a kid in striypd pyjamas on the ova siyd of the fenc, well well in the distans. An the story tells u abowt the tiyms they av torkin abowt stuff an fings kids do. An they mayk a well niyc frendlyshipage.

U get told of the fings Bruno does an ow ee mayks mistayks an gets peepl in big trubl an it all seems to be goin niyc an then the author goes an mayks me realiys wot the ell is goin on an then it too layt.

An I criyd.

They jus mayd a film abowt this book, so it carnt be bad. An I jus red it an it mayk me cry, so it gotta be gud.

If u send me ur address I post it to u. Or u not be stingey an buy ur own.

The Good, The Bad, and The Uglee - Paedophiles

I know I jus a kid but I know a lot abowt Peapods. I call paedophiles peapods cos I fink that paedophile is not a fair word anymore. If u ear abowt peapods in the news it always the orrible nasty buggers oo urt kids. An the paypers tork abowt them liyk they murderers. An the ones that do the bad shit r liyk murderers. But I know a lowd of peapods oo r not nasty, an evil, an monsters. An u neva ear abowt the undreds of peapods oo r niyc an do gud shit in the world do u? So I gonna tell u wat they reellee liyk.

I not jus maykin this shit up cos I don me reeserch. I been torkin an reedin abowt peapods for 9 monfs. I know 3 peapods oo r frends an I met 2 ovas who r strangers an I tork wiv lowds of them on the internet. An jus liyk ova peeple in the world I fink that there r Good, Bad and Uglee peapods.

I av to say now that I ritin this wiv som elp from me frend Wilbur. So as u know it not all my words.

What is a Peapod?
If u serch on the internet, an when u speak to anybody abowt peapods, they say that;

“A paedophile - an adult who is sexually attracted to children”
(Wikipeadia, 2009)

But Paedo coms from the meanin child and Phillia is the love of. So the real meenin of peapods is reellee

“a person who loves children”

Well My Dad loves me but nobody say ee a peapod. An if u read the Oxford English Dictionary, it ses that peapods hav

“an abnormal (especially sexual) love of children”
(O.E.D. 2008)

So the OED say that u can be a peapod an av a abnormal lov for kids an not necesarily want to do sexy stuff wiv em.

What shud we call them?
So if u tork wiv peapods liyk I do then u know they call themselvs boylovers. Which I fink is nicer soundin. They say boys cos most of them liyk boys an not girls. But not all of them.

Now I know a few peapods an they all good. Cos most peeple fink that peapods jus want to av sex wiv kids. Well som of them do an some of them don’t. An some of them do but know it wrong so never will, an some of them do an know it wrong an fink they may end up doin it if they cud get away wiv it.

So peapods r liyk the rest of sociatee ~ There r some well niyc peeple oo r well kiynd an do jus gud. There r some peeple oo do a bit of bad but r mainlee gud. And ther r the well nasty buggers who we reellee downt liyk!

So I gonna split me peapods into groups so we know who is the Good the Bad and the Uglee. An cos ther r so many bad nayms for peapods, I gonna give them a latin name that means wot they reellee r.


Pueramator
Is a person oo reellee loves kids and wants to elp them an look after them an nurture them, but does not want to do no sexy stuff wiv em. I fink I fownd that ther abowt 2 in evry 10 who r actulee this. Cos som of them fink they r jus normal peeple an neva dreemd that they actullee peapods.

Puerstupro
Is a person who loves kids like a Pueramator but feels they want to do sexy stuff wiv them. An I fink most peapods r liyk this. But u gotta member that they r split in to two cos:-

Puerstupro Alucinor
Is a person oo ave fantasies abowt doin sexy stuff wiv kids but they know they not eva goin to actullee do it cos they know it wrong. An these r well niyc peapods who keep their ands in their own pants an jus look an neva touch. Eva!

Puerstupro Facesso
Is a peapod oo fink they gonna fulfill their sexy fantasies wiv a kid even if it is rong. They still lov kids but it reellee a bit mor abowt sexy stuff. An evn tho they know it agenst the law, they fink that they can av a bit of a play if it ok wiv the kid. An that important. Cos even thees peapods av morals evn if u fink it not urs.

Puercapto
Is if u fink u gonna tayk a kid an do sexy stuff wiv em an they not want to. Thees r the nastee buggers we ear abowt in the news an I know that onlee 2 kids in a year r taken an killd by peapods in my cuntree so it not many peeple.
(NSPCC, 2008)


An jus to show a balance of numbas ~ for over the last 5 years in USA ther an avrage of 600 incidents involvin neerlee 1000 kids a year an over 200 kids r killd cos of car drivin. So who r the monsters in ower cuntree? (www.kidsandcars.org, 2009)


An cos I don me reeserch properlee an I know ther r ova groups of peapods, then u can ave these two extra ones an any combination, cos Latin is a language u can jus move bits arownd in. So amator can be swapped wiv stupro an capto. An cos amator is eny sex then it includes the lady peapods as well. Cos I know they ther too.

Puellusamator
I know ther peapods oo liyk well littl kids so if one liyk weeny boys then they r this. I fownd that ther r not many who r into reellee little kids, but I fownd som.

Puellamator
Peapods that liyk littl girls mor than boys I call this.




Peapods, Religion an Sex Education
Now I know that if u fink u follow a religion then u av to say that peapods r evil an the work of the devil an they all go to hell. But, I not beleev in a God an my maytes religon is the best if u gonna av one cos is religion ses:

“Do what thy will, an harm nobody!”

I fink that pretty bludee gud actullee. At leest we stop all the wars in the whole bludee world if we followed it!

But my opinion is that if a kid want to do somefing an it not arm him, then let im do it. An that the saym for grownups as well. I onlee 12 an I don lowds of fings playin wiv me maytes an I not come to no arm yet, an I growin into a well-rounded, mature an educated kid. Well that’s wot me Dad ses, but ee not red this yet!

So I fink if u reellee lov kids an u want them to learn abowt themselvs an bodys then they gotta play an explor. That don’t meen nobody tayk advantag cos they kids an not clever or owt. It mean that if a kid asks somfing abowt ur body then u shud be able to tell em wot it for an wot it does. Cos ther too many kids who av no bludee idea abowt wot sex is reellee abowt an they expectd to lern from ova kids who don’t know wot sex is all abowt, an then it the adults that complain an moan wen fings go rong, an they blayme the kids!

So nobody allowed to force nobody to do nowt they don’t want to, an evrybody shud be allowd to do wot they want if it sayf. An then u can do as thy will, an arm nobody.


The Good, The Bad and The Uglee
So ere it is: My opinion on The Good, The Bad and The Uglee – Peapods.


The Good
Pueramator
Puellusamator
Puellamator
Puerstupro Alucinor

The Bad
Puerstupro Facesso
Puellustupro Facesso
Puellastupro Facesso

The Uglee
Puercapto
Puelluscapto
Puellacapto

So if u fink u a peapod then u gonna be Amator, Stupro or Capto.

It not ard to see that the Uglee lot r peeple that evryone wud hayt, cos kids r the innocent an doin owt to anybodee agenst their wishes is rong, but agenst a kid cos u stronger in muscles or u cleverer in the ed, as got to be even wors.

Then I fink a lot of peeple will fink that the Bad lot r well bad too. Well they r. Cos they r the ones oo r cleverer then the Uglees. Cos 95% of all sexy abuse of kids is by familee or friends. An they r well ard to catch so we neva reellee ere abowt them much.
(NSPCC, 2008)

An the Good I bet r fort of as bad by lowds of peeple too. But that cos they downt fink who or wot they r. Cos they ur bank manager an ur doctor an ur fireman an ur teecha an all thows peeple arownd u who liv a normal liyf and av never done no bad shit to kids. But u fink that they r finkin abowt it an it shud be punishd? But I know I fort abowt some reellee bad shit, an I onlee 12. So I know that all u grownups av fort of some well bad shit. So do u get done for finkin? Does anyone judj u cos of ur forts? So jus cos u fort the nex door neighba got a niyc wifey it not meen u gonna steel her. An jus cos u fink som idiot in is car deserves to crash an die cos ee neerllee killd u an ur familee, don’t meen u reellee gonna kill im. An all that money in the till looks well niyc an temptin, but u not eva gonna steel it. An that cos we know wot is riyt an wot is rong. An we av some well dodgey fantasies abowt anyfing we want, but we keep em in ower eds.

"Not being able to choose your sexual interests doesn't mean you can't choose what you do."
(Dr James Cantor-Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, 2008)

If u don’t control wot u do, then u Bad or Uglee.



Now. I gonna enter this Post in a school competition, so I reellee gotta av some comments pleese so I can get a betta mark. If u fink I torkin shit then say. If u a peapod then let me know. An if u a policeman, then I wanna know wot u fink too.

Befor u go an judj wot I say or anybody u fink is a peapod, an if u wanna read some serious stuff on peapods then u can look at these:

http://boylover.net
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7116506.stm
http://guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/aug/
02/whenispaedophilianotpaedop

When u red them, plees mayk a comment.

The Art of Raisin Kids

Now if u fink this is gonna be abowt how to bring up ur kids ~ u wrong! I a kid, so ow am I gonna know, reellee?

Raisin
This abowt summat that we play wen we waitin for a showa or if we gotta dry up in the kitchen. It is abowt battlin it owt wiv towels an tryin to catch ur enemys wiv a whip that u mayk from ur towel, wich is then calld ur Raisor. The act of a battle of whips is calld 'Raisin' in ower school.

How to Rais
It is best if u a beginna to start wiv a teatowel cos they easier to andle. Hold ur towel by a corna an let it ang down. Then u mayk a circula moshun wiv ur and so the towel spirals up an asa twist in it. This is ur Raisor. Now u stand liyk u meen bisness an the and wiv the towel in shud be facing the enemy so u side on. Then wiv a whipin motion of ur and towards ur enemy u flick the towel towards them an at the last minuit yank it bac an that puts the whip in the end. It tayks practic to get the distanc rite an the whip gud. If u manage to practis an the end of ur towel craks liyk a gun then u gonna well kill ur enemy oo will be beggin for mercy well qwick liyk.

How to do Battle
U can do battle anywher an u not av to ask permissun to fight. But mayk sur ur enemy is not absolutelee shit hot at it an u crap ur u likely to die very qwik. U can start a battle in the kitchen wen u waitin or in the showers. But I suggest u start ur first battle in the kitchen as u hav battle armour on an it easier wiv teatowels. Now u masterd the art of whippin ur Raisor now u can apply it to ur selectd enemy's body in a meen an nasty way. U best stand sideways on cos u mayk a smalla target an hav ur legs apart so u ave a chanc of jumpin owt the way if u see a rasor comin. The first person to whip someone els is the enemy an anyon can attak them if they want.

Rules of Death
U not to Raisor somebody who cries 'Mercy!'
If u cry Mercy then u giv in an u not allowd to whip anybody els in that battle cos u chickend owt an u givn in. If u do then evrybody allowd to attk u at once.
U allowd to Raisor anybody no matta ow small they r.
U gotta aim at the body, legs or bum an not the willie! If u it them in the willie they usulee die a painful an nasty death!
U not gotta it nobody anywher near the face or u liklee to get a sound punchin!
Ther r no limits to the numba of peeple attakin one enemy. As long as they do not cry Mercy!
U ave to stop if a member of staff turns up cos of the noise an say that u wer all doin noffin!
U not allowd to Raisor sombody in the showa cos that privat, but u can wen they gettin owt or in.
Ther no limit to the siyz of towel. But ur Raisor as gotta be a towel. No usin cables or chain or razorwire.
Afta ur battle u gotta inspect all the wounds an ooeva as the best welt wins!

Tips on Raisin Kids
Always attak first!
Try to use the longest towel u can handle in large areas cos it is devastatin at long distances, speshlee if u damn gud at it.
Use a small towel in close qwuarta combat cos it qwika an easier to andle.
If u do hit somebody in the willy be very apologetic an show lowds of sympathy cos they likelee to be cryin wen the shok wears off.
Keep well away from anybody oos name starts wiv an A, cos they always bloodee gud at it an u likelee to get some well red welts all ova ur pink bod.

An that is it! The Art of Raisin Kids. U can Raise adults, but in my experience they ave no longa got the nerv or the will to do battle that kids av. In my experienc leev adults well alown as u r liklee to die qwite qwiklee cos eeva they not fink it funny ~ for example Dad, in wich case u up for a sound hidin ~ or they av been practisin for 20 years an they a Raisin Master! In wich cays u as gud as ded!

My Owse

I liv in a very old owse. It wos built hundreds of years ago an ownd by a monk. It got stacks o rooms an they all big an high an we av pictures of the stars at the top of the stairs it that high.

In ower owse we ave owse rules. They r the law that keeps ower owse safe an runnin well. I am a bit suspiciulated abowt the rules cos i fink they all affect me an not nobody els exept the staff. Yes. The staff ave to follow the rules as well. We ave lots of staff cos we got a big owse an if we didnt ave staff then Mam wud be cleenin all day long an Dad wud ave to mayk tea.

We av a gardener who is well niyc an cool an ee lets me do well scary fings liyk lite the bonfir an start the chipper an chop wood for the fire. He smokes rollys. They r liyk white twigs an last abowt as long as a sparkler on bonfire niyt but not look alf as gud. Ee keeps them in a tin wich as a well smart paintin on an ee ses ee bort it off a gypsy. He coffs a lot an wen ee fink I not listenin ee swears as well. Oh yeh an ee always rubbin is bits. Oh yeh an ee as a son who comes wiv im now an then an ee smokes as well but ee older then me i fink an ee well ruff. I sed ello to im once jus to be frendly liyk an ee sed f off! which i thort wos well rude especillee as i liv ere an in charg. SO i not speek to im eva agen. Eee looks at me funny an i fink ee reellee scared that i know ee is gay.

An we ave a cleaner who is quite stupid reellee but I not sposed to say that abowt peeple exept that she is. But she is qwit gud at gettin nasty stains owt of carpets wich i think cleeners shud be gud at. If u r not gud at gettin stains owt of carpets then my room wud look awful very qwikly then Mam wud complain that the cleener not doin er job, then Dad wud sack her an maybe com an look at my carpet an then i think i wud get a hidin. So it is important for cleeners to know how to get nasty stains owt of carpets.

We av orses on ower stables but ther no way i gonna say owt abowt them exept that they r well scary. We av a trainer who is well well bossy an rude to me an I complaind to Mam an she jus sed to keep owt er way. AN then ther this kid who is jus calld the stable boy an ee neva tork to me wich is a shaym cos i finkee wud mayk a niyc playmate if ee eva stood still for long enuff to play an I fink ee looks niyc in is wellies.

We av a owse matron who showts at the cleener an the cook an the scullaree mayd. Thats wot Mam calls her to me quietlee but she call her Eve i fink. AN they all work in the kitchen but neva seem to do owt. The cook is well niyc cos she always givin me cakes to test an flapjack but the Eve jus giv me evils all the tiym an i think she jealus.

AN we av a driver to driv all of ower cars. Mam an Dad can driv but if u well rich u miyt as well av a driver to save ur arms. An ower Pilot is well cleva cos ee can fly piston engind fix wing an turbo prop an jet an ower chopper. But wen we went to DisneyWorld ee stayd at ome an we ad a yankeedoodlepilot. Dad fly the planes lots an a bit of the chopper an I fly the planes lowds. I tayke off an navigate an do circuits. I landed ower Beechcraft at Luton Airport in fog an we add to av a talkdown by the airport an I put us rite on the numbers! That well cool an scary I can tell u.

I fink that all the staff.

My room is big an I got a big bed so i can ave frends to stay. AT Christmus we ad 8 kids in my bed but they not sleep in ther, they jus put dirt an sweat an bogeys on me duvet. We jus watchd a film on my new wide screen tv wich is neerlee as wide as me bed. I fink me Mam an dad r tryin to keep me owt the way in me room so they can hog the TV down stairs an snog wen I not ther.

So u know wen u com an stay these r the owse rules. If u brake the rules then u get a hidin of Dad if u a kid an i not sur wot u get if u an adult but i bet it downt urt as much.:
No mucky boots or shooes in the owse unless u runnin to the loo.
No goin in Dads Study for any reeson unless it to get Dad an then u ave to knock an wait until ee ses come in. If ee not say come in then dont. This is an especillee hard rule an u get double hidin if u brake it.
No playin on the Billiard Table unles u wiv Dad.
No runnin inside unless ther a fire. Then u run an showt fire.
No bein rude to nobody.
No swearin. That double hidin as well.
No firin anything insid liyk guns or arrows.
No throwin anbyfin insyd liyk balls or animals.
No goin in the kitchen unless Mam is in ther or u r too dirty to go in the front door then u ave to tayk off ur clowfs in the back door an run to the shower. wivowt runnin.
No bad manners at the table an it double hidin if ther r gests. Specillee if u trump. an then laff.
Do evryfing the staff tell u enless Dad not ther then ignor them.
Do not leev ur room a mess. I loookd in som rooms this Christymous an I bet Dad wud be handin owt lowds of hidins if ee was not so drunk.
Do not invite nobody to the owse unless Dad knows them especulee if u met them on the internet an they say they r 12 an they afta ur butt. I got a gud idin for that one wich I fort wos unfair cos ther not a rule abowt it until I don it!
Do not eva eva eva eva lie. Cos Dad knows straight away an ur butt is ded if u lie.
Do not go in Dads study. I know i sed that alredy but Dad ses it is two rules so that ee can wallop me twice as much if ee catches me.
No answerin bak wen gettin a hidin or u get a wors one.
One hiding=6 smacks on yer bum wiv Dads and. (Unless u reellee reellee been well bad an then u get is belt. But u got to be well bad for that.)
Do not be well bad!

That it reelee. So mayk sur u be careful!

Welcome to my owse.

Kids vs Adults III

I on my way to schoolywooly in our chopper an I zoomin ova all the lovelee frozen land an snowy mountains an shit an ower Engineer sed somfing that wos well stupid! I askin im lowds of fings abowt the navigatory stuff that we flyin wiv, an I tellin im that ee doin it rong, cos ee wos, an ee sed "Shut your mouth an eat your lunch!" Excuse me! So ow can I shut me mouth AND eat me lunch? I fink thats -
Kids 1 Adults 0

So I been finkin on me borin trip to schoolington wot rubbish stuff I ear peeple say, cos wen u seen one lovelee wite mountainous hill owt of the window at 10000 feetage u seen em all. I fort of all the well stupid fings we say cos I been noticin them ova the olidays an I fink adults say the mostest stupid eva an they r always not fair as well!

I at Christymouse dinner an I left me sprouts cos they taste of rottin cats brains an me Mam ses "If you dont eet your sprouts you not grow up to be big an strong!"
Well I neerlee the biggest kid in me year an I can chop wood for the fire for an hour so thats a load of bull!
Kids 2 Adults 0

Then when I owt ther choppin the wood an ower gardener ses to me that I gotta swing the axe in a diffrent way to mayk shor the blade dont glance off. An I sed I ok an I know wot I doin an ee sed "Dont come runnin to me if u chop ur foot off!" Wots ee torkin abowt? Like I would! I mite obble or hop or crawl or lie on the ground bleedin evry wher an showt for me Mam, but no way am I gonna go runnin to im wiv jus a stump angin owt of me trouser leg!
Kids 3 Adults 0

Me cleener is well into stupid fings to say! I ad 3 littl kids stayin on my floor these olidays cos all the rooms av adults in em an then all the kids in the whole owse com in my room to play Wii cos I got a big screen an the adults r hoggin the TV down stairs. So anyways they mayk shit lowds of mess an me duvet is mucky wiv ther feet an me toys r evry wher an ther green stains on the whit carpet an she ses "Gracious! This room looks like the Battle of the Sommes!" NO WAY! We don the Battle of the Sommes in istory an i dont see no bits of ded bodys anging on barbed wire, or big oles in the ground an poppies or trenches full o water wiv rats in em, an smashd peeces of artillorary, an Germans playin football on Christinemoose Day an shit! I admit ther wos som mud, but NO WAY as much as at the Battle of the Sommes!
Kids 4 Adults 0

We playin tiggy in the woods an I well gud at climin an I gettin well high in this tree an Geoffrey tryin to catch me an rite I owt on a branch an ee start comin for me an I go to jump to the next tree an ee ses "If u fall an brake ur neck I not playin no mor!" Well I ratha fort ee mit fink of callin an ambulance actullee! Or gettin an adult to unsnap me neck maybe! Or mayk me comfortabl while I die wiv is cowt! I not fink ee gonna carry on playin tiggy wiv me lyin ded in a broken heep an ee keep tiggin me an expectin me to chase im!
Kids 4 Adults 1

Then we playin Wii an Geoffreys litl brover is bein well annoyin an keeps tryin to tayk is Wii owt off im for ages wile he bowlin an ee keeps missin an ee gettin well annoyd an punches is brover rite in the gob! An is brover starts cryin an makin a well nasty din an Geoffrey ses "If u dont shut up I reellee giv u somfiong to cry abowt!" No! I fink u alredy don that Geoffrey wen u punchd im in the gob! I fink that well gud reeson to cry cos I fink I wud be cryin wiv that punch an is brova onlee 5!
Kids 4 Adults 2

An me Auntie Zuckerman she gettin well drunkulated on Chrissymoss Evenitude an all o us kids r playin tiggy rownd the owse an we go bargin into er wen she idin rown the corna of the landin an she ses "Will you stop running arownd actin lik a bunch o kids?" Well excuse me but number 1 we playin tiggy an ther no way we can do no actin lik anyfin wen we busy playin tiggy. An number 2 why we want to act like a bunch o kids wen we r one?
Kids 5 Adults 2

I goin to schoolsville this mornin an I cleen as owt an me hair is all smart an me Mam kisses me bye an ses "Ave u got clean pants on just in case u in an accident?" Mam! We flyin to school in a bludy helicopter at 240mph! I fink if ther wos an accident i dont fink they gonna be siftin through the tiny peeces of smoulderin rekage an find my littl bottom anging from a tree an fink - Poor littl mite, wot a waste, that is so sad! I know! I'll just check to see if his pants r cleen! I dont fink so! An I gotta be onest Mam but if we ave an accidentaloid on the way to skool an the chopper is fallin owt the sky in a spin an the pilot grpplin wiv the controls showtin "Oh My God!" an I got cleen pants on I gonna shit in em anyways! So that so stupid it gotta be worf 2 points.
Kids 7 Adults 2

I not gonna put any mor down cos I want ova peeple to add some stupid sayins that adults an kids say an I giv pointlitudes along the way an we jus see wot scor we end up wiv! I fink I know oo will win!

Money vs Love

I know I well rich cos me Dad as squillions of pounds! An I know I a spoilt brat cos I get lowds of fings I want.

An I know that wen I wos 6 my familee adnt a penny.

But wot I ad wen I wos 6 wos worf a million pounds. An I giv evryfing I got in the whole world to ave it agen.

I ad lov.

Me Dad didnt lov us an I fink me Mam did reellee a bit, but me brovvers loved me to bits. An I lovd them bak jus as much. An we jus lovd to lov. An that the most valubl fing in the whole wide lovlee world. Cos u can av all the money in the world an u got noffin wivowt love.

Now that I not got me brovers, an I lost me bestest frend Wilbur, I know me Mam an Dad lov us a bit, but I know I got lov from me bestest frend Templeton.

I know I the richest kid ee eva know, an I know ee as poor as a church mousey, but Templeton the richest man in USA cos ee got lov from me.

Forgettin

I jus ad me a well sad chat wiv me bestest frend oo i well love. Templeton.

I go bak to school on Chewsday an I not be able to chat wiv im cos i not get a signal wiv me dongle at schoolsville. An we well sad cos we chatted lowds this holidation. Ee a well nice frend cos ee always honest an troo. An onlee the bestest of frens r lik that all the tiym.

But Templeton livs in USA an I liv in UK so we neva reellee meet.

I usd to ave a bestest frend in UK an ee wos Wilbur. I love Wilbur cos ee jus lik Templeton. Ee neva lied eva eva. An ee always gud to me evn wen i shit to im. We did lowds of well cool fings togeva an I neva eva forget im.

I stayd at Wilbur's boat wiv is Dad for 2 days. Ee well nice an torkd wiv me lowds. Ee knows that Wilbur is a spirit now, ee not no ghostie, jus a spirit. An Wilbur's Dad put im in me car wen I get pikd up, an ee torkd wiv me all the way ome. Ee still lov me an I still lov im. We not gay or owt. We jus lov eech ova lowds.

An it lik Templeton. Wilbur as gon now but Templeton neva ere at all. But Wilbur still ere but is body not, an that jus lik Templeton. U tork wiv im, an u can feel im, an u lov im, an u not quite sure if ee ther, but u r. But u carnt tuch im.

Templeton jus say that ee realisutorylated that ee is jus a weeny bit in my life an i got lowds of ova stuff goin on. An ee sed that I AM is life. That mayd me sad cos i fink ee shud av lowds of frends that lov im in USA, an stuff to do wen i at school. But I not fink ee reealis that the weeny bit ee is in my lif is lik the Tardis. It weeny on the owtsiyd but well hugified on the insiyd.

Ee fort that I mite forget im. An I mite. Jus for a bit. Liyk wen u busy avin fun.

But it lik ur heart - u not remember it ther all the time but u not liv wivowt it, an u neva forget that it keepin u aliv.

Life sdrawkcaB

Ok I got this idea from Wilburs Dads birfday card an i made it betta.

What if ur life went backwards?

U start off bein ded wich is pretty bad but u get it ova wiv rite at the start.

Then u wake up an fink "WoW! Im aliv!" an u in a old peeples ome an evry one lookin afta u an washin u an feedin u an it well relaxd an evry day u feel better an better.

Then u gets kiked owt of the ome for bein too healthy an u collect ur pension. So u hangin arownd doin all the fings u want to an bein paid to enjoy urself an u gettin fitter an fitter evry day.

Then u ave to start work wich is ok cos u get a gold watch on ur first day!

Then u get younga an younga which makes up for the fact u av to work an all the aches an pains r gon an ur body gettin well musculated!

U get to do lowds of sexy fings wiv girls an boys an u get drunkaloid all the time an u go to university an sit in evry lectur an forget abowt all au lernt.

An then u go to schools that r eesier an eesier to work in an all the fings u wud fink u wish u dun wen u a kid u save until u r a kid an then u do em. An it dont matter if it illegal cos u carnt be don cos u a kid.

Then u can pee ur pants cos u a babby an u get to drink milk from a booby. Wich sownds gud but it is ur Mams!

Then the onlee bad bit is someone smaks ur bum an u stop cryin an spend 9 monfs floatin in a jacuzzi nice an warm an bein fed by a tube an u gettin smaller an smaller.

Then u a littl bug swimin well fast an u finish ur lif wiv an orgasm!


I fink we shud do it this way.

Kids vs Adults II

Adults have everything! - Us kids get diddley!

Why is it that adults get to mak all the rules abowt wot us kids do an we get to mak no rules at all?

I ave to go to bed wen I told. I not even at ome an an adult tellin me wen to go to bed. But if I sed "Excuse me, Pater! I think it is a tad past your bed time!" I know my bum will be throbbin afta abowt 10 seconds.

I told I not allowd to smoke cos I too youngest. Ok then! This Christymouse we ad 27 peepl stayin in ower ouse an alf of them smokd. I sittin enjoyin me big ice cream sunday that me Mam made special for me an it spoilt by some smelly rich geezer smokin is cigar that smell of burnin rubber an blowin it at me face! Then I gets sent away from the table wivout me sunday cos I sed "Excuse me! But I am too young to smoke."

Now how is that fair? It ok for me Uncle Charles Nelson Reilly to dowse me wiv cancer air and smelly stench gas, but if I ask for a fag I get me lug clippd.

So I eatin me dinner an decide that i prefer to stab mesel in the eye with me uncles cigar rather then eat me sprouts, so I leave them. Oh no! I carnt do that! I gotta eat them to make me grow big an strong! Excuse me! But I pretty big for 12 an I well strong enough to pick up an axe an chop wood for the fire. So I ask why Auntie Arable can leave hers an not me an now I bein cheeky! I onlee askd a question an jus cos I a kid I beein cheeky an growin up small an feeble! So I ad to spend 15 minits secretly shovin them in me sock wich i can tell u is not very plesant an is a bugger to get owt of me white carpet in me bedroom. Now if they let me leev me sprouts our cook wud av scraped them into our pig an that take 5 seconds. But now I waste 15 mins secretin them abowt me body, the cleaner spends an hour gettin a mysterious green stain owt me bedroom carpet, the maid spends hours tryin to work out why all the washin is green an I ave to wash me ankles. That sownd lik a waste of bludy time to me.

So now I almost a teeneyager I fort I well old enuff to try some alcohol. So afta Christelmus Eve dinna I askd if I cud ave a vodka an tonic wiv ice an a slic in a long glass. I am afraid that a cool blooberry J2O is nic but not wot I askd for. So I try agen an told by Uncle Fuzzy that I too yung to drink as well as smokulate.

So if I ave to wait until I 18 then I can be a daddy an be bringin up 2 kids an av anova on the way, an votin for me Primal Minista, an razzin arownd at 70 miles an hour on a motorbike for two years, an be dyin in the army an killin peeple in Afganistanlymathews, an landin an aeroplane on me own at Luton Airport wiv 10 passengers chillin in me cabin, but I not allowed to sip a vodka martini shaken an not stirrd.

We ave to stay in school till we 16 - ses the adults.

We ave to be in wen it dark - ses the adults.

we not alowd to smoke or drink - ses the adults.

Wen do we get a kids parliment so we can mak som decent laws for us?

By the way, I found owt why us kids r not to drink alcohol stuff, cos it maks u well sqiffy an peeple tak advantag of u an u carnt walk proper an it giv u a shitty headache an u throw up an ur eyes r lik u got sand in em an u carnt do noffin for a day an u cry a lot. I know! Cos I spikd Geoffrey's punch wiv vodka an ee onlee 10, an thats wot append to im.

Kids vs Adults

I fink that adults ave it well gud! - An us kids lives suck!

Adults r allowd to hit kids an it legal, but it not legal for an adult to hit an adult. An who do u fink it is that made that law? Yeh! Rite! Adults!

Kids rnt allowd to hit nobody an if they do, then an adult hits them. That not ardly fare is it? If I it some kid wiv my weeny musclitudes an he blabs to me Mam an she tells me Dad who has got well big musclations, an a belt! Then ee wallops me!

An wot that tellin me? It tell me that if u an adult then it ok to hit somebody! But if it ok to hit somebody, then why I get hit for hittin somebody? An if it ok to hit somebody if u an adult why is ther a law agenst it?

Ok. So this rule that say it ok for adults to hit us ses to me that jus ittin a kid dont matter. But wen the newsypapers see some kid is urt cos of some nasty parents then they go all paniky an say it disgustin an ow can the authorities let them do it, an oh, how awful, an shit! The newspapers never say - well actoolee u not sposed to it kids anyway!

I tell u now, an I know cos i a kid, me Dad wallops me wen i naughty, an that ok, but i still naughty. Ee dont brake no arms or legs or owt an ee onlee eva use is belt once an I fink I actoolee reellee desrved that! But Wilbur's Dad made me stand at the bottom of is ladder for 5 minutes, an it well ard! I fort ee jus a big softi an ee gon in the ed wen ee sed it! An then wen I torkd ee sed the 5 minits starts agen an wen I trumped ee started it agen an wen i lent on the ladder ee sed I gotta stand up straight! I ther for bludy ages! An I on is bowt now an I do evry fing ee ses!

Now if I sed shit at the table then I know my bottom is gonna be steemin well red! But if me Dad ses a reellee rude word that I not gonna say here. (Like wen ee neerlee it those power cables in the chopper on the way ome from school.) But the word ee use wos well well wors then shit. But nobody hits im! An wen I mention it, adults say "Well when we swear there is always a reason for it!" Excuse me! But wen I last sed that word it because I jus ben well wallopd! An I fink that a well gud reeson. So wot appens? The wallopin turns into a wallopinaroony! So wot am I sposed to say afta that then? "Oh my! I think that rather smarted, Pater!"

But befor all u kids go cryin to ur Mums an Dads that they shudnt it u. U betta fink of a gud punishment they can giv u insted. Cos i tried that once. An i cudnt fink of anyfing that i ratha ave insted. So I got a wallopin.

So all u adults owt ther better stop ittin kids. Or.......we gonna stand u at the bottom of a ladder for 5 mins an see ow u lik it.

Drunk Parents are Yeuck!

Why is it that parents turn into babbys wen they get drunk?

Me Mam starts making silly girly noises an wants to kiss me lowds an me Dad coms into me bedroom at a stupid time of the mornin to lean over me stinkin of shitty cigars an booze an tries to kiss me but always falls on top of me.

I wonder if any kid has ever bin killd by a fallin drunk Dad as he tumbles across his neck with 100 kilos of drunken slob snappin it in two? Or found in the mornin drownd in a puddle of Mam's sloppy kisses wiv all is clovs doused in makeup colored bodily fluids?

No wonder i av to showa evry mornin! It cos i coverd in me parents juices an stinks an me skin itches lik it been nibbled by a army of worker ants an it takes just as long to wash the makeup off as it would to heal if it ad been eaten by them!

I fink u shud be abl to av a pepper spray for parents so u can squirt them wen they get too drunk or soppy.

My Stuff

My name is Tiger an I not givin my Sirname cos I not stupid!

I am 12 an 5/6 years old an I go to a very very posh boardin school. I there cos me Dad is fed up with all the trouble I cors around the housage. I fort it wos gonna be shit but it actulee well cool cos ther is lowds of shit to do an I fink that I actulee like doin work an learnin lowds. My bestage subject is English, an I know u finkin ~ He is takin the piss! ~ But I write like this cos its me. I cud write all proper like but thats for sissys. I onlee been at this school for a termage cos I been chucked owt of evry school but the last one which is where I met me bestest eva mate.

Me bestest mate eva is Wilbur who jus wen I wos avin the bestest time I eva ad in my whole weeny life wiv im, ee went an died afta Independance Day, an ee onlee 11. We did lowds o shit together an ee livd on a boat wiv is Dad who is calld Wilbur's Dad. I miss him shit-lowds but I goin to visit Wilbur's Dad tomorrow so as ee not get well lonelee at Christmas Time, though ee doesnt actulee celibratitudinal Christmas, cos ee not Christyfied. So ee as a partee on Solstice and does a big Thinky Walk instead of shit lowds of presentages. Solstice is from sol which means sun and stice which means stice. Wilbur's Dad looks exactly like a salty old sea-dog. Cos ee is one. Ee a reel pirate too.

I used to ave two big brovers but me real Dad went an killd them, an me Mam, an imself in the car wen I wos 6. But ee didnt kill me cos then it wud be shit hard to rite this wudnt it? So these well cool rich dudes who carnt ave no babbies bought me, an they been payin for it eva since. They r alrite parentals, but I tork abowt them in another post.

I live in a reellee cool old owse that is squillions of years old an has lowds of rooms an in the middle of a wood an nice fields an shit. I used to go razzin arownd on me quad until they movd it to me school. The quad, not me owse!

I know how to fly a twin engined Beechcraft an navigationate it to anywhere an land it at nite in fog an probably wiv a wheel missin. An that true! U ask me anyfin abowt flyin an I tell u. I not too gud at flyin choppycopters cos they well tricky an u need fourteen arms an three legs an ave to be able to turn the dials wiv ur eyebrows. I can race me quad faster then everybody in my school an I not scard of bugger all! Well, maybe some things, like prison and peapods murderin u an shit.

I done shit-lowds of bad stuff that I not tellin abowt yet, but I mite later. I done a few nice things, but I not admittin to them yet eeva.

I ave a well cool americano cowboy dude as a penpal an I write to im all the time. He calld Templeton. I fink I well lov im cos ee always onest an neva lies. I writ abowt im latr.

Thats My Stuff.


Tiger